Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
