No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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