Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
