True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
