i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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