You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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