He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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