I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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