I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize