as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
