So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
