sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
