She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
