Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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