HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
