i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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