I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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