and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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