You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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