its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
