I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize