just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
