Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
