my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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