i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
