Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize