I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
