an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
