Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
