She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
