god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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