omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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