I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
