I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
