There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
