Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
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