I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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