So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
