A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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