i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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