I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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