also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
