My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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