Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize