You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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