when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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