Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
