I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
