it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
