I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
