Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
