i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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