Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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