Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
