So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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