thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize