Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
